Leilani :The Storm
“You have to write our stories” she said. At least that is what I heard while I was vacuuming. Do you ever get those “downloads”? While you are not thinking about anything, information comes. We get it all the time :) especially if we have asked for clarity. That was Leilani speaking. They talk to me sometimes, when I listen. So here I am writing our story.
We found out on Thanksgiving, when the vet came out as an emergency, Leilani has esophageal diverticulitis. It’s a large pouch at her throat area, followed by a stricture (narrowing) of the esophagus. Typically the stricture happens first, then the pouch forms as food can’t get down fast enough (eventually, not at all). The narrowing of the esophagus happens for a variety of reasons. Sometimes it’s injury to the neck area, sometimes ulcers can cause irritation, and sometimes we don’t know. Because Leilani came to us from an abused past (we don’t know, but she was starved, and then dumped in a kill pen where horses are shipped to slaughter, that’s enough abuse for me), and she has a high-strung personality, coupled with incredible sensitivity. She’s also very strong and stubborn, so my guess is she probably had ulcers at some point.
We’ve been lucky to have her in our family for almost 5 years, and there was never any indication of any issues (except her “pouch” has always been there, but the vets I asked prior never said it was a concern).
On Thanksgiving day this year, she had the first episode which was very dramatic (video above). She could not eat or drink for several hours, and she really struggled to breathe. It was really hard to watch and not be able to do anything immediately, but I always trust that the horses know, and besides, there was nothing I could do really, except to call the vet. He came out as soon as he could. She was tubed under sedation, and he couldn’t get past her throat area with the tube, but was able to flush her out until no food particles remained.
He also did an ultrasound (that is why her neck is shaved) and he couldn’t see well, but seemed to think it was not a tumor or a mass present. The visit took over 2 hours, as he flushed her out for a long time.
Leilani improved right away, and as soon as she came out of sedation, she bounced back, hungry, and ready to join her herd, who had been in the vicinity the whole time.
Unfortunately, not even a week later, the same thing happened.
The vet came out again, and after flushing her out again, he used a tube down the other nostril, with a camera at the tip. He confirmed what he suspected, and said that the “pouch” is so big that his instrument, as well as the tube which should go all the way into her gut (to be sure it’s clear) actually folds over into the pouch and can’t go past that.
This second time, she didn’t recover so fast. She was exhausted, and we kept her in her makeshift stall for a while, and covered her with one of our fleece blankets.
She eventually wanted to get out, and we let her rejoin her herd. She gets very upset being on her own and will kick the shed wall and paw at the ground incessantly, becoming very stressed and anxious, which is really not conducive to her healing.
The vet at this point did not have great news for us. He could refer us to a surgeon/vet hospital a few hours away, for a potential surgery, which is questionable, as the esophagus does not heal well, and from what I also read online, the scar tissue can make the stricture worse and we’d be back in the same place soon after. That option did not sound good to us, but the other option was euthanasia if it happened again. That also did not sound like a good option.
The vet did say I could try massage, but I did not ask him more specifics. Sure enough, a few days later, Leilani had a milder choking episode, and by massaging her neck and throat area quite vigorously for 30 minutes, I managed to help her, and she started eating again. This happened again a few days after that! Again, massage helped. I felt good I could help her, but totally puzzled and concerned for her well-being. What if I can’t be there, what would happen to her?
After a few peaceful days, two days before Christmas, a big storm hit. 45-60 miles an hour winds, gusts up to 70 miles an hour. Wouldn’t you know it, Leilani has another episode, and no massage would help. I can’t call the vet again, he’s either going to flush her out (too much sedation too often, too much stress, not an option), or he’s going to put her to sleep (not an option I could entertain). So we watched her, and tried to do everything under the sun to help her.
This was a day from hell, what can I say? Leilani was not eating or drinking, just standing in the covered area of our shelter. The other horses were eating continuously, trying to calm their frayed nerves. The wind was relentless. Everyone was soaked at this time, the rain was coming in horizontally even inside the covered area of their shelter.
I ket checking on the horses every few minutes….around midday I found the big door of the shed open, and wind and rain pouring in. The wind had broken the strong wooden clasp and the doors were banging in the wind. And then the power went out.
We were lucky to get a friend to come out and bolt the door shut with huge bolts and screws. We wanted this big door to open in good weather, but for now, this door stays closed.
In the meanwhile, all the horses had gotten scared and had left the area, and when they came back, they were totally soaked. The temperature was around 50ºF but expected to drop quickly to 20ºF overnight. I was panicked about Leilani, who could not eat or drink, hence could not keep herself warm.
I had ordered a horse blanket for her (red, like she asked for) and it came in the mail that day! What a relief! Before I was able to put it on her, I had to get her dry. So I used a fleece blanket first, and spent hours with her in the shelter making sure she was dry. Then I was able to put the horse blanket on her, which made all the difference for her. The other horses had gotten dry in a matter of an hour, after the rain had finally stopped around 6 pm.
We still had no power (it was out for 24 hours total), and we were using electric candles, solar powered lights, and headlamps. Leilani hung her head low, and stayed like that, expelling saliva and coughing every 10 minutes or so. She was mostly calm, not agitated or having a hard time breathing.
We took turns spending the night with her, making sure someone was there for her. The next morning, she was still the same.
She did not eat or drink for 3 days. I could feel her esophagus hard and swollen all the way down her neck. Her mouth smelled of decayed food.
I called the vet, realizing that I had to do something. I was calling him to come and euthanize her….but his answering service didn’t answer at first. Leilani was calm, not acutely ill, but I could not let her live like that much longer, or could I? Christmas Day was hell. I had to call the vet again, and called a friend to come and dig a hole for her body. I was sick besides myself, feeling like I was living in limbo, like I was floating, watching myself move around, but I wasn’t really there.
During all this time, besides caring for her physically, I also applied a lot of other energy medicine modalities that I know of, such as EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques) which is tremendously helpful, especially when there is so much angst and mix up emotions involved (mine and hers). So much came up in regards to why this was happening, such as feeling not good enough (the words “damaged goods” were the exact words that came up), feeling unworthy, and so on. I also used prayer, which helps my mind shift from that feeling of hopelessness to a more grounded, open feeling. I used Reiki, Bach flower essences, and I also used infrared light therapy. We have a gadget we love that we use on ourselves and our dogs occasionally, and I don’t know what helped, if anything, but on December 26, which would have been day 4 for her with no food or water, I got up with a sick feeling in my gut, thinking of having to deal with euthanizing this beautiful, strong, young horse. When I walked into the barn and into their shelter, Leilani was eating…. She was not coughing it up, or spitting saliva up. I felt her esophagus and it felt soft and loose. It was an incredible moment to see her make such a turnaround.
I spent some time with her, and noticed she was terribly thirsty, but would stand at the water trough unable to drink. It took her several hours to be able to take a few sips, and every time, she turned her head sideways, like the water going down was hurting her. My guess is that the food being stuck in her esophagus for so long irritated the lining. I tried offering slippery elm and camelina oil, which she had asked for in the past, but she only had a small amount.
In the few days after this dramatic episode, she slowly got a bit better each day. She was able to eat more each day, taking time to rest her throat in between. I have continue with the red light therapy every day, in the hope that it can soothe her irritated membranes.
On the very last day of the year, a dear friend who has great awareness did a reading for me and Leilani. It’s a combination of animal communication and healing energy. She shared what I have been feeling also. It’s a time for empowerment for all, human and animal alike. We all need to express ourselves in a way that feels true and expanded. I always felt that Leilani was the one among our four horses who was bridging the gap between humans and animals. Like she was the spokesperson for the group. I also felt sometimes that she was very tuned in to the spoken word, like she could understand what I was saying to her. I was just not able to hear/understand what she was saying to me… yet.
