Leilani Moon leaves us
Leilani didn’t feel good on Fri morning, Jan 13. She didn’t look good again, and was salivating and choking, and not eating. Her issues had started at Thanksgiving (see other story), and continued on and off. By early January, we had a routine down which she loved: she got a warm mash of well soaked alfalfa cubes mixed with alfahay (a fermented product made of chopped alfalfa hay, which comes in a 50 lbs bag), then got to walk around the farm looking for grass (temps had been up, there was still grass around).
After that she would stand by the gate to be let in again, and hung out with the others. She loved her blanket and was very cheerful and appreciative of our care. She got another mash in the later afternoon, with different products and supplements. She was let out about 3 times a day, for about an hour each time, so she could wonder a bit and find bits of grass. We took her blanket off it was more than 40º F and sunny, and she loved rolling on the grass.
Thank you Todd for this photo and the following video
When I got home from work she would be there waiting for me, and her ears were up and forward more than they had ever been. I knew she was feeling good and was happy to have freedom and different food options. She still ate hay, but not as much.
That’s why it was surprising she was feeling so bad Fri morning, and thru the day, she got worse, not better. Her breathing got very noisy, like a growl from a dog. Either she had fluid in her lungs, or her esophagus was pressing on her trachea. Or both.
Todd and I took turns being with her. Then I called the vet to pick up an injectable which I had heard would help her relax. I drove out to meet him during his field calls, and drove back home to administer it.
By 4 pm, an hour after I had given her the medication, it was clear she was getting worse, and the meds did nothing. I was in the stall with Todd, and didn’t know what to do. I kept asking him to help me make a decision but he said it was my call to make. And I did. I called the vet and asked him to come to euthanize her.
Leilani walking around the property in early Jan after a minor snow fall
The decision to end someone else’s life is a tough one, and one I did not want to make. I had hoped all my horses would just lie down and fade away when very very old. That’s what they do in the wild, isn’t it?
But even in the wild, there is suffering. Breaking a leg and not being able to forage, accidents that undermine feeding, being so old the teeth are so worn there is not enough nourishment, dying of starvation because there is just not enough food. And so on.
Leilani foraging in the snow! She loved doing that and was so happy to find grass under the snow.
So I kept checking in with Leilani “Is this time to go? Are you ready to go?”. I have seen death in people too, and often they resist dying even up to the moment before they transition. The desire to stay in the body, and the will to live is strong for humans and animals. I was too distraught to tune in properly to really be sure, but I did make the call and I am glad I did. Leilani struggled in the end, and I am sure she would have died that night. Her body just could not go on any longer.
I see this image here as A New Dawn for Leilani
The vet arrived around 7 pm, and we had chosen to euthanize her inside the paddock, where the other horses could sniff and be close to her after she left her body, so they wouldn’t wonder where she went. Of course it was dark, and we were all wearing headlamps on our heads. But it was in the 40s, not cold, and not raining.
Leilani was very weak, and I know she was also scared. We had to ask her to move from the safety of the shed where she had been, to the open space of the paddock, closer to where we had planned on burying her. She had been lying down, and we asked her to get up, and that took so much energy from her, she started coughing again and really struggled to breathe. I was suffering so much with her, it was beyond painful to see her like that. But I had to stay focused and calm to be of any help.
The vet arrived, and acted quickly, as he could see she needed help right away; he injected a sedative first, which relaxed her, and a few moments later, he injected a medication which caused her to drop to the ground. He instructed me to hold her head while he was injecting the lethal dose, and as soon as he was done, I was to move away and let him hold her head, so he was able to help her drop to the ground. Which is what happened. It was hard to be present to witness death, but because she had been struggling so much, I was actually relieved at first. I just did not think she needed to suffer anymore.
Leilani, at left, with the other horses this past summer. So much grass!
Her body rested for a while, and there was some movement, but I know she was not suffering nor was she in her body anymore.
The vet was very kind and stepped away for several minutes, and then came back to assess that her heart had in fact stopped. I am not afraid of death nor do I feel that is the end of us. I know spirit is what animates our beings, and even in those moments of suffering and angst, I knew it was a rebirth for her into spirit.
After the vet left, we stayed with Leilani as the horses came around to sniff her. They were nervous, and I think they could feel there was no one there. At least that is what I think, because they approached her very nervously, snorting, not like they would approach her as if she had been sleeping.
Leilani and Dakota, the early days (2018).
Later on I went back out to be with her. It was around 10 pm, and the realization of her not being with us anymore finally hit me. I cried and cried touching her body, feeling so sad for everything that had happened, and how it had happened. So much pain, so much suffering, and yet, this is what happens to most of us, in some way or another.
I thought about my friend Shaina, who died last June of cancer at 43, leaving two young children behind, and a multitude of broken hearts. That made no sense either. I thought of my friend Joanne, who also died of cancer in 2018 after struggling with it for 9 years, also leaving 2 teens behind, a loving husband and hundreds of broken hearts.
Leilani’s death made no sense to my mind. But I am also aware that it’s our expectations that create suffering.
Later that night I wrote in my journal, and most of what appeared on the page was about how I could have done things better for her, be more attentive earlier on, keep her separate from the others completely so she could eat a very strict diet and more of how I could have done better.
Then a short time later I heard her say “I had the best years of my life with you, because I learned what not being enslaved feels like”. Wow, those words stood out for me so strongly. I really feel the words came from her, or some other higher dimension. And it felt right on, because she did come from abuse and all I did for her was to give her space so she could feel more comfortable, and did not ask anything of her. So maybe that was all, she came in this life to learn about being enslaved and then not being enslaved, and once she got that, whoosshhh, she was gone.
Leilani (R) enjoying some grass back in the Methow in 2018 when we arrived and they were in a boarding facility.
While a friend was digging a hole to bury Leilani, this is what the herd was doing. At least for a good 5 minutes. I like to think that it was their way of saying goodbye…
